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Perfectionism in Parenthood
When trying to be a 'good mum' or 'good dad' starts to feel like a full-time job.
Do you feel like you're constantly trying to get parenthood right?
You might have very high expectations of yourself and feel uncomfortable when things aren't done properly.Â
Perhaps you:
- Worry about making the wrong parenting decision
- Compare yourself with other parents
- Feel guilty when you rest
- Struggle to delegate
- Find it difficult to accept 'good enough'
- Replay things you've said or done
- Worry about whether you're being patient enough
-Feel you should be able to cope with everything
- Put enormous pressure on yourself to get things right
Perfectionism can look like high standards. But underneath itcan be a fear of making mistakes, disappointing people or not being good enough.Â
When Perfectionism becomes exhausting
Perfectionism can initially feel useful.
If you work harder, prepare more, check again or try to anticipate every possibleproblem, perhaps you'll finally feel confident that you've done enough.Â
But that feeling doesn't last.
Instead, the standard gets higher.
You do more.
You worry more.
And eventually you become exhausted,
This can be particularly difficult after having children because there are so many things you simply cannot control.
Children get upset.
Plans change.
Everyone gets tired.
Sometimes you lose your patience.
Sometimes dinner is cereal.
Sometimes the house is messy.
And sometimes you simply don't have enough energy to do everytthing.
For someone experiencing perfectionis, these ordinary realities can feel like evidence of failure.Â
Perfectionism, guilt & parenting
Perfectionism and parent guilt often reinforce each other. You may think:
- I should have enjoyed today more.
- I shouldn't have shouted.
-I should have played with them instead of doing the washing.
- I shouldn't want time away from my children.
Instead of treating these thoughts as facts, CBT helps you learn to step back from them and examine them differently.
You can still care deeply about being a good parent without requiring yourself to be a perfect one.
Perfectionism & People Pleasing
Perfectionismcan also make it difficult to say no. You may find yourself:
- Agreeing to things you don't have time for.
- Worrying about disappointing family.
- Avoiding difficult conversations.
- Taking responsibility for other people's feelings.
- Struggling to ask for help.
- Feeling guilty when you put your own needs first.
These are also patterns we can work on in therapy.
How can CBT help?
CBT can help you understand the rules and assumptions underneath perfectionism. For example:
- 'If I'm a good mum, I should always be patient.'
- 'If I need help, I'm not coping.'
- 'If my child is upset, I've done something wrong.'
- 'I should be able to manage everything.'
Together, we'll look at where these expectations are coming from and how they affect your emotions and behaviour. We'll also look at what happens when you try to meet them.Â
This might include a pattern like this:Â
High standards -> pressure -> anxiety -> overdoing/checking/avoiding -> temporary reassurance -> exhaustion -> even more pressure
The aim isn't to stop caring.Â
It's to help you develop standards that are flexible enough for real life.
How can I help?
I'm a BABCP-accredited CBT therapist with over 15 years' experience of supporting people with their emotional wellbeing.Â
I offer online CBT for parents experiencing perfectionism, anxiety, guilt, overwhelm and difficulties adjusting to life after having children.
Therapy with me is collaborative and practical. Rather than simply talking about how difficult things feel, we'll work together to understand the patterns maintaining the problem and identify realistic changes you can make.
You don't have to become less caring.
Getting help with perfectionism doesn't mean lowering your standards or caring less.
It means learning that being a good parent doesn't require you to be perfect.Â
If perfectionism, guilt or anxiety are making parenthood harder than it needs to be, you can book a free 15 minute consultations to discuss whether CBT might help.
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